When Everything Collapses: The End of Spiritual Seeking

No Tunnel, No Light: What Happens When Your Belief System Shatters

Sunrise Vilano Beach, Florida

What do you do when your entire belief system collapses in an instant?

One minute, you are building a business and message around a five-year journey. The next, an awareness that's been quietly floating in and out of your mind finally lands… and everything disappears.

Gone.

This is the second time this has happened to me.
And now, I can't even say "spiritual" without feeling sick.

I built my entire identity around my "spiritual transformation." And the irony is — it was a transformation.
It just took five years to complete — or at least this version.
I'm sure more will come.
But this time, I'm not repackaging it.

This shift wasn't just about the business I was building.
It was the final cracking of 55 years of conditioning.
All the purposes I've carried — the ones I thought were mine, the ones I inherited — were illusions.

It all started with The Purpose Driven Life.
That book launched me into an 11-year journey through Christianity.
Then came the unraveling of that belief system — what some call deconstruction.
And then I dressed it all back up as "spirituality."

Because it still had to mean something.
It still had to go somewhere.

But now?

There's no purpose.
No meaning.
No "supporting others on their journey."
No more proving, performing, or belonging to a club.
No ideal number of subscribers.
No courses.
No podcast.
No book that tells the story of how I made it to the other side.
No brand to build that gets me to some illusionary "there."

Maybe those things will unfold someday —
but not for the reasons I used to believe.

Spirituality really does a number on you.
It’s a hell of a drug.
Reaching for God, Source, Spirit, the Universe...
It's dangerous.
I spent 17 years chasing it.

I grew up Catholic — went through the motions, and never felt connected to anything.
When my son was diagnosed with cancer at 15 months old, I was 32 — and that cracked something open in me.
I've been searching for a connection ever since.

And that search became my story:
23 years of seeking.
17 of those years, believing my purpose was tied to that search.
And the last 5 — living inside a deep, authentic transformation, building a message around what I thought was "the answer."

Pouring my heart into healing, evolving, and becoming.
Carrying the weight of it all.
Every moment had to mean something.
Every low had to become a breakthrough.

I was always seeking "something deeper," the next level of awareness.

I know the healing had to happen.
I needed to walk through the shadow work, the inner child work, the unraveling.
It was necessary.

I'm not sure if I stayed too long or it just ran its course and it was time to fully see through it all.
I started to build an identity around the healing itself —
Every choice, every direction, every decision was tethered to it.

And over time, it stopped being healing and started becoming harm.
What began as a path to wholeness became a toxic search for a lie.

In that clarity, now I see:
There is nothing to do but live.

Yet just months ago, my word for 2025 was BUILD.
I had four pillars and a solid foundation laid out.

But now I ask — build what?

I've studied enough Buddhist principles to understand impermanence, attachment, and uncertainty.
And now I see — even the desire to build was a projection of who I thought I needed to become.

So this is where I am.
Four months after launching my Substack to really build something — eye roll.

And I sit here at 55, wondering what’s next.

The best part of this whole journey has been Substack — learning how much I love writing, creating, and connecting in this space.

So, I'm going to sit with how to be my vulnerable self and move forward from here.
I'm not sure what I’ll share — but I love it here.

For the first time in decades…
I'm not reaching.

Not for a purpose.
Not for meaning.
Not for God, Source, Spirit, the Universe, angels, or guides.
Not for some next-level version of myself.
No external connection to have or understand.
No light at the end of the tunnel — because there is no tunnel.

Just me.
Just listening to my intuition.
Just the breath in my body.
The sound of the waves outside my window.
The quiet presence of a life I don’t need to define.

I don't know what's next.
I don't even care to ask.

But for once,
I won’t turn it into a lesson, a story arc, or a spiritual breakthrough.

This is not the beginning of a new journey.
It’s just… me.